Relationship issues - Tips

When your relationship is in a valley, every annoyance can bring you further down. Fortunately, the other way around is also true. Every positive action influences immediately the daily things. Try it, and see for yourself that the spiral will go up.

You can do a lot about relationship problems and you can for sure also prevent them to happen to make sure that your partner feels seen, appreciated.

Look for yourself in what way your parnter contributes to your well being, the well being of your relation or your family. Agree with yourself to thank your partner for his effort on those aspects or in those situations.

Often you will notice quite soon that your partners attitude towards you will change in a positive sense. Because you give an answer to a very deep need of every human being to feel loved, to feel like you count. This has an enormous stress releasing effect and opens the heart.

At first you can 'just do it' as a kind of politeness. Along the way you will experience that gratefulness has a strong power, especially in your love relation. Then, when you express your gratitude it will not just be polite anymore, but fulfilled.

Read the book: "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson and/ or find a therapist that works with her EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) principles.

Hold me tight by Sue Johnson, an easy-to-read book that can give you insights in the patterns you have created together. By reading the examples of other couples, you may find recognition and hopefully a bit more understanding towards yourself and the other.

Do you like to win in your relationship? And your partner too? Realize: when one of you wins, the relationship loses.

Experiment:
Agree to take turns in one being the leader and the other one follows. Talk about it afterwards, how did you experience being the leader and how did you experience to have to follow.

When you manage to this for a while, you will notice that trying to win from you partner becomes less important.

Do you find yourself having relationships problems or problems / patterns repeating themselves and you do not manage to get rid of it? Try to put words to it and get professional support as fast as possible. Don't wait too long... you might loose each other for good.

Agree that you don't have to agree. By agreeing on this you might not feel the need to convince your partner of your opinion.

You can also get to know each other opinions in a calm way. Accept that your partners opinion differs from yours, and that it is OK that you disagree on something.

Love can manifest in a relation, but starts in deep isolation.

When you are happy in being alone, when you do not need the other at all, if the other is not a necessity, then you are able to love.

As long as the other is a necessity, you can exploit, manipulate, dominate, but you cannot love.

Quote from Osho

Check if the problem you experience is really a relationship problem, or if it is in the first place a personal problem.

Do you for example feel under challenged at work or in your daily life? Do you carry certain trauma's? Do certain issues from previous relationships still trigger you in this one?

Things like this can have an influence on your relationship. You will have to take the responsibility for that yourself. You cannot expect your partner to solve it.

It can have a very positive influence on your relationship when you solve your personal problem and deal with it differently.

At least once every ten days, go and do something enjoyable together. Go to the cinema, have dinner in a restaurant, have a drink somewhere, etc.

This will strengthen the togetherness and attractiveness!

Talk about your future together. Make a relationship plan with a vision!

Where will you be in 5 years? What does your life look like then? And in 10 years?

You can include for example: children, personal development, dreams, travels, emigration, lifestyle, big expenses (house, car, boat, etc)

In the start-up of a relationship it is good to discuss how you define a relationship, where are straight limits  and what values do you share?

Relationship problems? Don't wait too long to talk about it. Consider going to a therapist together.

If your partner doesn't want to, there is no harm done in making an appointment for yourself, so that you can be supported in finding your way.

Often it already helps when you learn to approach problems differently.

Many relationship problems arise due to the way partners communicate with each other.

So learn to communicate differently. Check the tips communication issues on this website.

Create time for each other to communicate

1) Communicate about the relationship problems
Set a time and place to talk about the problems you encounter. Nowadays many couples hardly find the time anymore to really talk. So you have to create it!

When you don't manage to talk about a problem without raising your voice, it might be an idea to talk in a public area. This could make that you can behave a bit more sensible.

2) Communicate about other things
Also talk with each other about other things that keep you busy. What makes you feel happy, what about your passions, your plans.

You can also communicate non-verbally. Take a walk together in nature, do something you both like, relax together, hug each other...

"The purpose of relationships is not to create obligations, but to create opportunities for growth, to be able to fully give expression to who I am.

The keystone of relationships has nothing to do with others meeting my expectations and me, in my opinion, meeting their expectations. The keystone is how well I meet my own ideas.

The beautiful thing about a relationship is that I can share the completeness (and the incompleteness that is also complete) of who I really am with the other."

Are your experiencing relationship issues and could you use some support?
A therapist or counsellor can help you.

Also within a relationship it is important to leave the problem with the one who has it.

Many people tend to put their problems on somebody else to solve them. Other people think it is a nice thing to do to try and solve somebody else's problems. When people are put up with your problems, annoyance or anger will easily arise, or the feeling of being blamed. The other will start to defend him/her self or respond with a counter attack.

The other way around, when you -out of love- take the problems or the responsibilities of the other, he or she can feel offended or even feel worthless. He or she can take a passive dependent attitude.

Read the book: "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman. In this book it is explained what the needs in a relationship can be and what that means. In short it comes down to that when you speak your own and the others love language, your relationship will improve.

Definitely worth reading! Everybody I recommend to read it is enthusiastic and starts to understands more about themselves and each other!

Have a look inside, your personal inner world, your thoughts, your feelings, the things you eventually do and say. What effect does my behavior have on the other? What is my share in this conflict, this fight?

We rather look at the other, because we often like to think that the other is the cause of our pain. This way we can avoid looking at our own part of the contribution in the relating and communicating.

We tend to avoid the core of the problem, so that our ego's can stay intact. It's the other, it's not me! The other one should change!

What to do when your partner is insecure about the relationship?

Maybe you often tend to ask for clarity.
Maybe you tend to withdraw or even break up.

If you would like to continue the relationship, the only thing you can do is just be there for your partner, relaxed and not pushy. In the mean time, find some distraction, find support with other people, take care of yourself. Only when your partner feels that she has the space to doubt, he or she will be able to fully make the decision to go for it.

This is a beautiful video clip that shows what can happen in relationships and how this is linked with the human need to feel connected.